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Thursday, 18 February 2016 19:28

What a Husband Needs from a Wife is Never Sex

Sex is an important element in marriage and until there is sexual intercourse between a husband and a wife, the marriage is not yet spiritually recognized. This shows how important sex is in marriage. 

When you look at how aggressive men are towards sex you may think that what a man needs from a woman is sex. Of course, if he has not married you yet or he does not really intend to marry you what he will need from you is nothing above your body. But if he really intends to marry you or if you guys are already married sex is never what he needs from you - maybe let me say it better; "WHAT A MAN NEEDS MOST FROM A WOMAN IS NOT SEX." 

Many young girls think because they are sexually active and experience they will easily be married and have their husbands loving them. And when a man approaches for marriage they think the greatest asset they have to show the man is sex. Others also think once they are giving out their bodies it means they are giving out the best for which reason they will be chosen above all. 

There is this young girl who is very beautiful and sexually active. Due to that she thought sex is all that matters to a man. Ironically, she struggled for long before finally getting married. Her sexual dexterity could not win her the heart of a man until out of the blue and reason beyond imagination a very handsome good man married her. The wedding was grand and her tears were now gone. Unfortunately only a year after the wedding the marriage fell on rocks. Within five years three different men came her way but none could stay.  

The problem was simple. She thought sex was all that matters so she would never submit. But submission is what men need, not sex. It is time for our young ladies to know that when a man is ready to marry he will not look out for a woman who will satisfy his sex drive but a woman who will submit herself to him. Excuse my language, "every woman has vagina but not every woman has humility." So when you are a humble woman, you are an expensive jewelry. And a man of integrity will fear to lose you. 

What does the holy

Wednesday, 24 August 2016 19:58

Did I Marry The Right Person?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question.

She said, "how do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends.

Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. 

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.  

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that_expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.  

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. 

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.  

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.  

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.  

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.  

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):  

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.  

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day  in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy . And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.  

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.  

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable.

..You can "make" love.  Love in marriage is indeed a "decision".. . Not just a feeling. Remember this always 

"God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."  

"Blessed is the person whose trust is in the Lord God.  Whatever he does he prospers"

Tuesday, 01 March 2016 01:30

30 Rules For Grown Married Women

1). Never raise your voice for any reason to your husband. Its a sign of disrespect.

2). Don't expose your husband's weaknesses to your family and friends. You are each other's keeper.

3). Never use attitudes and moods to communicate to your husband, you never know how your husband will interpret them.

4). Never compare your husband to other men, you've no idea what their life is all about.

5). Never ill treat your husband's friends because you don't like them, the person who's supposed to get rid of them is your husband.

6). Never forget that your husband married you, not your maid or anyone else.

7). Never assign anyone to give attention to your husband, people may do everything else but your husband is your own responsibility.

8). Never blame your husband if he comes back home empty handed. Rather encourage him.

9). Never be a wasting wife, your husband's sweat is too precious to be wasted.

10). Never pretend to be sick for the purpose of denying your husband bed right.

11). Never compare your husband to your one time sex mate in bedroom.

12). Never answer for your husband in public opinion polls, let him handle what is directed to him although he may answer for you in public opinion polls.

13). Never shout or challenge your husband in front of children

14). Don't forget to check the smartness of your husband before he checks out.

15). Never allow your friends to be too close to your husband.

16). Never be in a hurry in the bathroom and on the dressing table. Out there your husband is always surrounded by women who took their time on their looks.

17). Your parents or family or friends do not have the final say in your marriage. Don't waste your time looking up to them for a final word.

18). Never base your love on monetary things. Will you still submit to him even if you earn more money than him?

19). Don't forget that husbands want attention and good listeners, never be too busy for him.

20). If your idea worked better than his, never compare yourself to him. Its always teamwork.

21). Don't be too judgemental to your husband.

22). A lazy wife is a careless wife. She doesn't even know that her body needs a bath.

23). Does your husband like less cooked food?, try to change your cooking.

24). Never be too demanding to your husband, enjoy every moment, resource as it comes.

25). Make a glass of water the very first welcome to your husband and everyone entering your home. Sweetness of attitude is true beauty.

26). Don't associate with women who have a wrong mental attitude about marriage.

27). Your marriage is as valuable to you as the value that you give it. Recklessness is unacceptable.

28). Fruit of the womb is a blessing from the Lord, love your children and teach them well.

29). You are never too old to influence your home. Never reduce your care for your family for any reason.

30). A prayerful wife is a better equipped wife, pray always for your husband and family.

Sunday, 05 April 2015 02:21

How To Tell If Your Relationship Is Over

Sometimes you just know about a relationship, and other times doubts swim through your mind. You’re plagued by questions: 'Is he the one, my soul mate, the big love of my life?' Even 'is the sex good enough to stay'?  

It can become a bit of an obsession, especially as you hit your 30s and you’re questioning life’s directions. But there are many clues to help make your decision. I like to call them love’s little  litmus tests. 

Check these eight essential ‘tests’ to help you make a decision: 

Love Litmus Test No. 1: The eye-rolling syndrome

Have you started rolling your eyes at everything he says? This is one key signs that someone’s got to the point in a relationship where there’s little hope. It’s a clear indicator of a complete lack of respect - not good for a happy love life. If he does it to you when you speak, trust me things are going downhill fast. 

Love Litmus Test No. 2: Flirting becomes fantasizing

Even when we’re deeply in love people often have a little flirty banter at the office. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s a bit of fun. And your mind’s fully concentrated on the man you really love… unless you’ve now found yourself fantasising about someone else. You wonder what he’d be like in bed and as a partner. Plus you get super-psyched when you know you’ll see him at work. A clear sign that your partner, and your relationship, isn't holding your attention. 

Love Litmus Test No. 3: Your five-year plan

Most of us think to the future and have goals where we’ll be in five years. Be honest with yourself, when thinking about career or personal life, does he really feature five years down the line? Because if you’re thinking of how fabulous, e.g., your career will be at that point, and he’s not alongside you, it’s telling you something. 

Love Litmus Test No. 4: Deal-breakers seem more important

When we’re in the first flush of love classic deal breakers don’t seem like such a big deal. He says he doesn’t want children (you do), you say you never want to live in the country (he does), etc. Those things just don’t matter because you’re convinced love will conquer all. Now though they play on your mind and that means it’s time to face them and whether they really will break things up. 

Love Litmus Test No. 5: It was a whirlwind

Your eyes locked onto each other like laser-guided missiles and you plunged into a whirlwind. Many months later and it feels very different. Are you constantly thinking: 'Why did I jump into things so quickly? It's a true sign this really isn’t where you want to be.

Unfortunately due to lots of pressure of people waving their fingers and saying I said you were taking things too fast, means people stay put when really they want to get out. But don't let other people's smug reactions encourage you to make the wrong decision. Make sure you're on the same page (REX)

Love Litmus Test No. 6: The pressure is on

As far as you’re concerned things are going okay but now he’s pressuring you to take it to the next level. If you’re not living together, he wants you to. If you’re not married, he’s asking for that to happen next. If this all feels like pressure, pressure, pressure - and no joy - it signals you really don’t want to take it to the next level. 

Love Litmus Test No. 7: Only the lonely

I’m asking you for complete honesty on this one ( though let’s face it, you need complete honesty on the others too) – are you with him because you were lonely when you met him? Do you fear being lonely again? If your answer’s yes then this is not the love of your life.

He shouldn’t be used as an emotional crutch. Far better to start boosting your general confidence and that’ll help you enjoy your own company more. 

Love Litmus Test No. 8: Memories

Are you relying on good memories from the past to keep you going? Do you think back to your first few months together wishing it could be like that? Have you not generated any good memories together in recent months? Sounds like things fizzled out a while ago.

Running through these litmus tests in your mind might finally flag up the direction you want to go. They might help you see clearly that actually things are pretty damn good. Or that he might’ve been Mr. Right earlier on but now he’s Mr. Wrong and it’s time to face it.

Sunday, 05 April 2015 01:56

50 Rules For A Happy Marriage

Tips and advice from couples who're nailing it every day.

With the divorce rate mighty high and marriage the butt of every sitcom joke, it's hard to believe that there are couples out there who are happy, in love and totally enjoying the marriage thing.

But as wedding season hot up, it's always nice to hear from couples navigating the tricky waters of matrimony and enjoying the trip.

So researchers have asked 2,000 happily married Brits (yes it seems there are that many!) what makes their marriages happy - and they've revealed the 50 most important things for marital bliss.

And as well as the Big Things such as trust, sense of humor and honesty, it seems like it really is the little things too - remembering to say 'I love you' regularly, always kissing goodnight and holding hands when you're out and about.

And time apart also came through as a vital part of happy relationships. Having some different interests and hobbies and knowing when to give each other space were both in the top 25, and regularly having nights out WITHOUT each other made the list too.

But a more jealous undercurrent runs through some of the recommendations, including sharing social media passwords and not being friends with ANY exes on Facebook.

Andy Gibney, author of How to Seduce Your Wife (or Anyone Else’s) said: “Trust, compromise and honesty are generally regarded as the most important things in a marriage, but for most people, it’s not that simple.

“In the modern world, marriages are having to survive against a host of new technology with many couple falling out over what to watch on the TV or one or both of you spending too much time focusing on your computers, tablets or mobile phones.”

But however happy your married, protecting yourself first is vital it seems. At number 50, that involves having a stash of secret cash in case of emergencies!

Andy Gibney, author of How to Seduce Your Wife (or Anyone Else’s) said: “Trust, compromise and honesty are generally regarded as the most important things in a marriage, but for most people, it’s not that simple.

“In the modern world, marriages are having to survive against a host of new technology with many couple falling out over what to watch on the TV or one or both of you spending too much time focusing on your computers, tablets or mobile phones.”

But however happy your married, protecting yourself first is vital it seems. At number 50, that involves having a stash of secret cash in case of emergencies!

So here is the full list:

1. Trusting each other
2. Same sense of humor
3. Always being honest with each other
4. Remember birthdays and anniversaries
5. Accepting each other’s faults
6. Compromising
7. Saying ‘I love you’ regularly
8. Knowing when to say sorry
9. Being able to laugh at each other
10. Having a similar outlook on life
11. Regular hugs/cuddles
12. Always kiss each other goodnight
13. The occasional romantic gesture
14. Considering your partner to be your best friend
15. Sharing the parenting duties
16. Always kiss each other goodbye in the mornings
17. Having some shared hobbies and interests
18. Always talk about a problem rather than bottling it up
19. Ask each other about their day
20. Regular sex
21. Having some different hobbies and interests
22. Knowing when to give each other some space
23. Never going to sleep on an argument
24. Regular holidays/mini breaks
25. Having similar aims and ambitions
26. Having the odd argument or disagreement
27. Continuing to make an effort to look nice for your partner
28. Getting on with each other’s family
29. Setting aside quality time for each other
30. Holding hands when you are out and about
31. Regularly complimenting each other
32. Having your own friends as well as mutual friends
33. Two TVs in the house
34. Getting on with each other’s friends
35. Each having a car
36. Still shaving/grooming
37. Each having equal share of the lie-ins when you have children
38. Separate bank accounts
39. Having regular nights out with friends, without your partner
40. Surprise gifts/presents
41. Not being friends with ANY ex-partners on Facebook
42. A Rota to divide up the household chores
43. Regular date nights
44. Two bathrooms/toilets
45. Not having one person hogging the remote control
46. Similar working hours
47. Knowing each other’s passcode for their phone
48. A secret stash of cash they know nothing about
49. Keeping some things private (not going to the toilet in front of each other etc.)
50. A night or two a week where neither of you use computers/laptops/phones etc.

Do you agree?

 

Friday, 27 March 2015 19:22

The Foundations of Emotional Incest

You’ve probably seen it a thousand times.  The lonely parent who uses the child as a replacement for their spouse.  We typically think of this in terms of single mothers, but it can happen to dads too.  Of course there is nothing sexual happening, it’s all emotional.  Similar to the way emotional cheating can occur, there are relationship experts who believe that emotional incest can also occur.

The existence of a relationship in which the child becomes a replacement for the spouse can not only be emotionally weighty for that child, it can hinder his/her ability to have mature relationships with others once they reach adulthood.  

Give us your opinion:  

“Emotional incest” is a tricky term because it sounds as though it implies a sexual relationship when it doesn’t. Some scholars use the term “covert incest” instead, but that doesn’t really help because it retains the word “incest.” Other scholars have used the term “enmeshment,” “co-dependency,” and “emotional abuse” is another related concept as well. For the sake of this short series of posts, I will use the term “emotional incest” because I think that if you can get past the “ick” factor of the word incest, this construction is actually very descriptive.

Emotional incest involves an unhealthy relationship between parent and child in which the child serves as a sort of emotional “spouse” to the parent. This can be mother/daughter, father/daughter, mother/son, or father/son. Here are a couple definitions, some using the term “covert incest” and others using the term “emotional incest.”

Covert incest occurs when a child plays the role of a surrogate husband or wife to a lonely, needy parent. The parent’s need for companionship is met through the child.  The child is bound to the parent by excessive feelings of responsibility for the welfare of the parent. The demand for loyalty to the lonely, needy parent overwhelms the child and becomes the major organizing experience in the child’s development.

Covert emotional incest begins when a person perceives and responds to a family member as a replacement or substitute for a partner.

This form of incest is described as a relationship where a parent turns a child into a partner or confidante that is inappropriate to the child’s age and life experience. Or to put it another way, when a child is manipulated into the role of a surrogate wife or husband by a needy parent. While some refer to this as covert incest, others refer to it as emotional incest.

Friday, 27 March 2015 18:53

Single Parent Home

When you picture a stereotypical American family, what do you see? A mom? A dad? Two kids, a dog, and a white picket fence? For much of US history, this image of the “nuclear family” has been society’s norm. As we make our way into the twenty-first century, however, families around the country are challenging this stereotype. As our society becomes more tolerant of pre-marital sex, divorce, homosexuality, and more, the structure of many families is inevitably affected. What effect does this have on the development of American children? How will a child’s upbringing be different if a single parent, grandparents, or two parents of the same gender raise him?

Single Parenthood

Single-parent households are actually fairly common in the United States and are currently on the rise.  In 2008, about 29.5% of American households self-selected designation as a single-family household, approximately a two percent increase from 2000.

[1] Many people find themselves in this type of family for a variety of reasons, including divorce, spousal death, or the choice to raise a child out of wedlock without the participation of both biological parents. The concept of a single-parent household varies from culture to culture and the incidence and the level of social acceptance is not universal. In more religious groups, for example, negative views of divorce and pre-marital sex can lead to a stigma surrounding single-parenthood.  The majority of single parent households are headed by the mother (84.1%) as opposed the father (15.9%).

[2] There’s often a concern that having only one parent around is not enough to raise a healthy and successful child. Many interesting studies have been done on the effect of growing up with a single parent on children’s develop-ment and socializa-tion.  The results unanimously support a traditional two-parent household, due to generally more financially secure background. Consequences can include lower achievement in school, greater levels of psychological distress,  earlier sexual activity, and increased substance abuse.

[3] Hold out hope though—this correlation does not necessarily mean causation, and the trend can be reversed!

Monday, 23 March 2015 19:47

14 Ways To Show Love

He may not feel your love until you really make an effort to put your love into action. For most people, actions speak louder than words, so prove yourself.

If you feel some distance between you and your loved one, saying the three magic words won’t cut it, and nothing can bring you closer than showing your love. Here are some ways to back up your words with actions. Words are powerful, but people will only buy them if they are backed up withsubstance. If you say you’re a great partner, you must also be one. So what makes a great partner anyway?

Let’s look at some habits you can break that don’t help this problem, and some new ones you can make to put your words into action. After all, actions speak louder than words.

1. Bring positive energy to every day

Perhaps the most challenging thing in our relationship is to realize how much our fluctuating attitudes affect the other person. If you are negative, they are not going to feel your love, even if the negativity is not directed at them.

If you love them, you will protect the energy you bring to each day so, like a painter, you brush up against them with smiles and smudge positivity into their day. Everyone loves to be around someone that boosts the mood, it’s contagious, right?

One of the best ways to show him you love him is by being a beacon of positivity. If you make it a point to wake up every day with a smile, and choose positive words at all times, he will really enjoy your energy.

What does it mean to say I love you anyway? It kind of means I enjoy your energy right? Guard your words and avoid speaking negatively about other people. Focus on the positive traits of people and of yourself. If you really want to make someone’s life better because you love them, radiate love.

2. Be supportive and excited about his life

Showing love and putting it into action means giving a hoot what he cares about. You got to get on board with what makes him tick, why he spends his time the way he does, and show him that means something to you. Maybe he loves sports, maybe he’s a family guy, and maybe he’s a bookworm or a jack of all trades. Whatever it is that he wants to do with his life, it’s your mission to help him get there.

Believe in his dreams; help them become a reality by encouraging him, but not pressuring him. Positively reinforce his goals by putting your energy into them too. You don’t need to lose sight of your own goals, but show your support.

Maybe find a class he can take and pay for it. Maybe get him a book about something he is learning. Maybe acknowledge his hard work and book a message. Words of encouragement go a long way but actions go farther. Do things to further his goals, but don’t get in the way and try to control things. You can be the judge of ways to support him more than just saying ‘that’s a great idea, good luck.’ 

3. Follow through on your word

This is a big one. If you say you will do something, don’t flake out. If you love someone, you will value their time and energy. It’s important to show people you think about more than your own agenda or they really won’t feel you have the capacity to value anyone besides yourself.

Being accountable and reliable is a rare trait, and it shows a lot when you are organized and responsible. It gives him a sense of security. Part of love is trust; following through on your word builds it.

4. Plan stuff he loves

Well, here is an obvious one. But we often forget it. We get so caught up in our own lives that the partner becomes more of a convenience than someone we actively show we love every day. Don’t fall into the habit of letting days pass by without planning things for him. You don’t have to spend a fortune to put your love into action. Movies are cheap and you can surprise him with popcorn and a movie you think he would like.

5. Make I Love You tokens

Shower him with your love so he feels it. Go on, use your hands and make something. If you’re not crafty, look for ideas on Pinterest. If you’re totally intimidated, just buy something. But seriously, thoughtful and sentimental gestures like old school love letters are a nice way to put your words into action.

Surprise him in fun ways with little ‘just because’ gifts. Playlists, art, treats and tickets are all fun ideas, and you can’t go wrong with pictures (yes I know printed pictures are old Fashioned but they’re cute). Personalized jewelry is long lasting and makes a nice statement of your love for him too!

6. Put your love into food

We have all heard that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and that idea holds water. You can show him how much you care by baking, chopping, searing, roasting, blending and peeling your way into his heart. I’m not guaranteeing he will love you if you make him a delicious raspberry drizzled chocolate tiramisu, but I would.

Keep in mind his preferences and remember: he will be impressed when you go out of your way to make it special. No microwave dinners and no easy mac. Use your imagination or look up ideas online if you’re stuck.

7. Look for ways to lower his stress

Often our loving actions can be pointed to helping our man just enjoy life. Maybe that means diffusing essential oils, lighting candles and playing calming music at home. It could also mean making lavender, chamomile or kava tea. Maybe it means doing something relaxing like taking a walk on the beach together. If you don’t live near a beach, a nature walk is just as relaxing!

 Maybe he has a lot on his plate and if you have some spare time, you could help him out.

8. The final touch

If he’s had a rough day, chances are he’s got some stress building up somewhere in his body. The shoulders are the first area to hold tension, and you can offer to give him a massage. Maybe watch a YouTube video about Thai massage or Swedish massage, so what you do is more effective. He will probably really appreciate this.

9. Don’t act single

Here’s for calling a spade a spade. If you’re going to tell him you love him, you might as well act like it. If you are used to getting attention from guys, that will need to change. If he sees you flirting, he’s not going to feel like you love him all that much.

When you show him you are confident with who we are, he will feel like he can trust you. It’s common for people to still act single when they start dating someone, and then they wonder why their man leaves. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. If a man has your heart, you won’t be interested in other guys anyway.

Be considerate and tell anyone who might be interested in you that you are seeing someone, so your partner feels like you’re not hiding him. Make it clear to people that you’re in a relationship, so he knows you’re proud to be his girl.

10. Introduce him to your family

Nothing says I want you in my life more than bringing him into your circle of trust. It makes your love for him seem much more real when you introduce him to your family. Of course, you want to be serious about him before you introduce him to them, out of consideration for your family. They don’t need to meet every passing interest, just the good ones.

Your family doesn’t want to get attached to someone they’re never going to see again, so try to abide by the six month rule. Basically, once it’s been six months, you have a pretty good idea if things are working or not.

The other option is to ask him if he’d like to invite his family to do things with you guys. He will know you think highly of him when you’re trying to get to know his family and considering spending time with them. When you invest time in your relationship, it’s putting your love into action.

11. Work on yourself

Wait, what? Yes, that’s right. One of the best ways to show him you love him is to try to manage your own emotions and communication style. Try to bring your own life into balance by eating healthy, managing your own stress and exercising regularly.

When we look at ourselves in the mirror and try to find ways to contribute more positively to relationships, we are actively showing our love. Don’t bore him with every self-discovery you make because that is just self-indulgent. Focus on learning techniques to manage your PMS and emotional swings.

12. Plan for happily ever after

If you really love this guy, and you’re getting serious about planning a future together, you can always ask questions about his ideal place to live and what type of life he envisions. You can think long-term and budget for the future. Maybe create a savings account with your future life together in mind. Maybe start researching houses in the area you want to live in if you’re planning on buying.

If you’re not in the house-buying stage or not the buying type, you could also put some work into making sure your career is something that’s going to last longer than short term. When you get serious about your life, it shows you are ready to be a responsible spouse and maybe leave your crazy party days in the past.

13. Don’t be self-obsesse

If you tell him you love him, but only talk about your life and your problems all the time, he’s not going to feel like you really do. When we only talk about ourselves it’s more like using someone than loving someone. Make it a point to listen to him and really give feedback. Remember that his life is just as challenging as yours and he needs an ear just like you do.

Try not to complain and vent too much to him. He is not your sounding board to run to every time someone hurts your feelings. Happiness comes from within, not from him.

14. Give him some space

One of the most selfless things you can do in a relationship is giving him some space. It’s not caring to demand all of his time. He needs time to be alone and with his friends and family. Do not be the needy girl that won’t let him do anything alone. It shows you trust him when you decide to stay in and let him go out with the guys.

You don’t have to avoid him; just don’t keep the man on a leash. The surest way to get rid of a man is to smother him. If you love him, show him by giving him the freedom to be himself.

Think about showing him you love him in ways that are not just to get praise. Don’t make him something to get a compliment, and do things for him expecting something in return. Do your labors of love without expectations. Do things because you genuinely want his life to be good, you want him to keep smiling, and you care about how he feels.

Relationships, well, healthy relationships, are an amazing way to remind us how to be selfless and genuinely look after another human being. Make sure you spend more time making him happy than fretting over what he isn’t doing for you. Positive thinking builds healthy relationships and negative thinking breeds arguments and ugly ways of seeing the world. Life is what you choose to see, make it a masterpiece.

Friday, 06 March 2015 20:25

China:Embracing Africa, But Not Africans

The next step for Beijing in its Africa relations is better people-to-people relations.

From January 10-17, Chinese Foreign Minister Wang Yi embarked on a five-nation African tour to promote friendly relations between Africa and China, and to continue a Chinese government tradition of making the African continent the first overseas visit of the New Year. While in Kenya, Wang defended China’s role in Africa, asserting, “We will not take the old path of Western colonists, and we absolutely will not sacrifice Africa’s ecological and long-term interests.” Wang’s statement alluding to the idea of a “neo-colonial China” in Africa is evidence that Beijing is becoming increasingly aware of Africans who question China’s role on the continent, and whether Chinese investments actually benefit local populations.

In the first decade of the 21st century, the Chinese government has made better country to country relations with various African countries a top economic and political priority. In 2013, China’s trade with the African continent topped an estimated $166 billion and in a 2014 speech at the World Economic Forum in Nigeria, Chinese Premier Li Keqiang discussed his dream of one day connecting Africa’s major cities by Chinese built high-speed railways “with no strings attached.” Analysts and academics have showered consistent praise on Beijing’s improved relations with the African continent, while the Obama Administration’s 2014 U.S./Africa Leader’s Summit was widely seen as a reaction to the inroads that Beijing had been making on the African continent.

Although Chinese involvement in financing infrastructure projects, debt forgiveness, and scholarships for African students to Chinese universities had given China a net positive image among various African countries in a 2013 Pew Research Global Attitudes Report, there remains room for improvement. While many African countries are very grateful for the economic partner that Beijing has shown it can be, allowing these countries to abandon or mitigate their sometimes rigid economic partnerships with the West, China must still convince Africans that its interest in their continent is authentic. By improving people-to-people relations, understanding, and mutual respect in a relationship that many Africans feel reeks of European colonial stereotypes, China and Africa can strengthen one of the 21st century’s most dynamic economic and strategic partnerships.

Africans in China

In a 2014 Al Jazeera report on African migrants in Guangzhou, journalist Jennifer Marsh highlighted the plight of African migrants trying to achieve their own Chinese dream in one of China’s most populated southern cities. Marsh writes “While the central government publicly welcomes the migrants, recent draconian visa legislation has sent a clear signal: Africans in China – even highly prosperous, educated economic contributors – are not welcome.” The Al Jazeera journalist’s story highlights the story of Cellou Toure, a Malian migrant whose small business suffered because of his inability to get a Chinese visa despite being married to a Chinese woman and having three Malian-Chinese children. Many Africans view situations like Toure’s as the hypocrisy of the Chinese government’s goodwill towards Africa, as African migrants witness firsthand the business success of Westerners who marry Chinese women and are allowed prosper legally in small and medium enterprises under the protection of the law.

All one has to do is scour the internet under the keywords, “Chinese prejudice against Africans in China” to discover a litany of blogs and articles on the experiences on young African migrants, students and travelers, many of whom are proficient in Mandarin, as they recount their experiences in China. In A Minority in the Middle Kingdom: My Experience Being Black in China former African-American expat, Marketus Presswood witnessed the racially charged atmosphere in his Chinese school and classroom, finding it increasingly difficult to hold on to his teaching jobs as an influx of white Westerners flooded the Chinese education market in the early 2000s. Presswood remembered overhearing one of his students remarking, “I don’t want to look at his black face all night.”

As a former African-American expat living in China over a period of three years, I can remember horrible stories of racism experienced by other expats of African descent. One of the worst involved a brilliant young medical student from Guinea Bissau who studied Mandarin and medicine in the coastal city of Nanjing. This young medical student was fluent in Chinese and when she reported to a local Chinese hospital to do her residency and training, many of the Chinese patients would not allow her to touch them or treat them because she was African.

These stories and many others highlight the barriers and racial stereotypes that many mainland Chinese people harbor against people of African descent. Much of the problem has to do with Chinese people’s ignorance of Africa, African cultures, and African history, with most Chinese people judging Africans based on the period of European enslavement and the continent’s subsequent history. Another part of the problem is China’s centuries old “white skin” beauty standards, which act as a psychological and generational barrier that views darker skinned individuals as less civilized and unworthy of being called beautiful. In China, one of the most common racial stereotypes about people of African descent is that they all like to eat chicken and watermelon. This particular stereotype hails from the American south during the post- enslavement period, and has nothing to do with other Africans in the African diaspora, highlighting the Chinese lack of understanding of Africa.

Moving Forward

Chinese people often argue that Asia modernity cannot be judged through Western institutions and a Western narrative of history because Asian culture is distinctly different. So the question must be asked, why does China deserve such deference when it views the African world from a European viewpoint and how can China be the leader of developing and underdeveloped countries that it knows little about? If the Chinese government wants to increase its political and economic allies on the African continent and amongst the African people, the next step in the Africa-China relationship must seriously address people-to-people relations.

To improve people-to-people relations, the Chinese government could start by encouraging Chinese companies and state-owned enterprises in Africa to hire 20-30 percent of their workforce locally. This would stimulate the local economy and stifle complaints of a racialized hiring process amongst Chinese companies in Africa that prefers to import Chinese migrant labor because of complaints of lazy African locals. Beijing could also create a path to residency for African owners of small and businesses in China who have married Chinese citizens, contribute to their local economies, and who have not been in trouble with the law. Most importantly, while the Chinese education system focuses heavily on the suffering of the Chinese nation at the hands of Western imperialism, the education system could also focus on a more in-depth understanding of imperialism’s damage to other nations such as the African Diaspora, India, and Asia.

At the 2006 Forum on China-Africa Cooperation in Beijing, former Chinese President Hu Jintao opened the ceremony with a speech in which he reminded African dignitaries and guests of the centuries-old trading relationship between China and Africa, and the ancient civilizations to which China and Africa held claim. Maybe it would be better if the Chinese leadership taught this shared history to its own people.

Paul R. Burgman Jr. is pursuing an Msc. In International Political Economy at RSIS, Nanyang Technological University, Singapore.

Published in Africa
Saturday, 29 November 2014 18:42

Words From Father To A Son About Marriage

1. My son, if you keep spending on a woman and she never asked you if you’re saving or investing, and she keeps enjoying the attention, don’t marry her.

2. My son, a woman could be a good wife to you, some could be a good mother to your children but if you’ve found a woman like a mother to you, your children and your family, please don’t let her go.
 
3. My son, don’t confine the position of your wife to the kitchen, where did you get that from? Even in our days, we had farm-lands where they worked every morning . . . that was our office.
 
4. My son, if I tell you that you’re the head of the house, don’t look at your pocket; look if you will see a smile on your wife’s face.
 
5. My son, if you want to have a long life, let your wife be in-charge of your salary, it will be difficult for her to spend it when she’s aware of the home needs and bills to pay but if it’s in your care, she will keep you asking even when all has been spent.
 
6. My son, don’t ever beat your woman, the pain in her body is nothing to be compared to the wound on her heart and that means you may be in trouble living with a wounded woman.
 
7. My son, now that you’re married, if you live a bachelor kind of life with your wife, you will soon be single again.
 
8. My son, in our days, we had many wives and many children because of our large farm-lands and many harvests, there are hardly any land for farming anymore, so embrace your woman closely.
 
9. My son, under the cocoa tree that I did meet your mother could be your eateries and restaurants of nowadays, but remember, the closet thing we did there was to embrace each other.
 
10. My son, don’t be carried away when you start making more money, instead of spending on those tiny legs that never knew how hard you worked to get it, spend it on that woman that stood by you all along.
 
11. My son, when I threw little stones or whistled at the window of your mother father’s house, to call her out, it was not for sex, it was because I missed her so much.

12. My son, remember, when you say your wife has changed, there could be something you’ve stopped doing too.

13. My son, your mother, Asake rode the bicycle with me before I bought that tortoise car outside there, any woman that won’t endure with you in your little beginning should not enjoy your riches.
 
14. My son, don’t compare your wife to any woman, there are ways she’s enduring you too and has she ever compared you to any man?
 
15. My son, there is this thing you people call feminism, well, if a woman claim to have equal right with you in the house, divide all the bills into two equal parts, take one part and ask her to start paying the other part.
 
16. My son, I met your mother a virgin and I took more yams to her father, if you don’t meet your wife a virgin, don’t blame her, what I didn’t tell you is that our women had prestige.
 
17. My son, I didn’t send your sisters to school because I was foolish like many to think a female child won’t extend my family name, please don’t make that mistake, the kind of female achievers I see nowadays has made the male-gender an ordinary tag.
 
18. My son, your mother have once locked up the cloth I was wearing and almost tore it because she was angry, I did not raise my hand to beat her because of a day like this, so that I can be proud to tell you that I never for once beat your mother.
 
19. My son, in our days, our women had more of natural beauty, though I wouldn’t lie to you, some had minor painting of their appellation mostly on their arms, the ones you people now call tattoo, but don’t forget that they didn’t expose any part of their body like your women of nowadays.
 
20. My son, your mother and I are not interested in what happens in your marriage, try to handle issues without always coming to us.
 
21. My son, remember I bought your mother’s first sewing machine for her, help your wife achieve her dreams just as you’re pursuing yours.
 
22. My son, don’t stop taking care of me and your mother, it’s a secret of growing old and having children to take care of you too.
 
23. My son, pray with your family, there is a tomorrow you don’t know, talk to God that knows everything, everyday.
 


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