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Tuesday, 18 November 2014 20:31

How Adventurous...Or Clumsy...Are You in Bed?

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I don’t watch porn. Don’t get me wrong, I have watched a few in my lifetime, but it’s not really my thing. The first time I watched one was in college, my freshman year. But as I watched, I remembered not thinking that much about it. The music was awful and there was no plot. I’m supposed to believe a cable guy just shows up and sexes up an unsuspecting housewife? Yeah, okay. I know it’s all fantasy, but gimme a break. My friends reminded me that porn was not a film that I normally viewed in one of my classes for critique and meaningful discussion, but was simply meant to get you off. I quickly dismissed porn as ridiculous and not for me.

 Until I saw another one…a GOOD one…years later…then I got it.

 Those people had skills. They could do tricks. I was intrigued by their prowess, and it let me know just how much I DIDN’T know when it came to sex. The sex I was having was boring by comparison, so like the good student that I am, I tried to learn something new. My boyfriend would be my unsuspecting guinea pig. I was gonna try something I’d seen in a flick and rock his world! “Regular sex” Brooke was gone.

 I attempted what I can only describe as a hybrid 69/reverse cowgirl combo….whatever that is. I think I was even going to come up with a name for it if I was good at it . It was going to be my signature move and he’d be addicted to me forever. Now keep in mind, I was in my 20’s when this was going down. I was in MUCH better shape, and even with a bum knee, I was very nimble. I’d never had a problem with flexibility, and my enthusiasm was that of a cheerleader. It was gonna be on and poppin’!

At first it was great, and he was thoroughly pleased that I took some initiative in the “puttin’ in on him” department. I’ve always been an active participant in my own sex life, so I was stepping up my game so to speak. I took pride in that actually. All was going well until we got a little too excited. I was buckin’ like a wild child in a sexy rodeo until….I fell off the bed.

Yes….I fell OFF the bed. He shot me right off.

Luckily, I didn’t fly into the wall or bust my head on my dresser….or get my head stuck in a headboard. I simply fell to the ground like a little kid flying off of a swing. I was okay physically, but my ego was bruised. I felt so silly until he jumped up like, “Baby, are you okay?” In that moment, I lifted myself up, looked him in the eye…and CRACKED UP! Tears streamed down my face as he studied me to make sure I was really okay before he joined in on my laughter. I always thought sex was supposed to be fun, but not hysterical!

Since then, I think I’ve come close to falling off the bed maybe 2 more times. I’ve become more aware of my surroundings in the heat of the moment. Thank goodness I’m not much of a drinker, because Lawd knows what bedroom mishaps I might have suffered if I’d actually been drunk. That might be too dangerous for me, I might put out an eye or something.

Most people forget that sex is exercise, so if you’re trying to have sex like a porn star, you might need to get in shape. I’ve pulled many a “sex muscle” trying to twist my body like a pretzel or get into some position I had no business attempting. Nothing dries you up more than a Charlie Horse…trust me.So…with that said, STRETCH before you try twisting someone’s back out. I’m a back breaker when I’m in shape, but otherwise, it’s best I don’t enter the Sex Olympics until I get my weight up. I will say that it feels good to be sore from sex the next day – that means you did something right.Now it’s your turn – tell us of any bedroom blunders or sexual mishaps you may have suffered as a result of trying to have sex like a porn star. Let’s hear it…sometimes love hurts!

I don’t watch porn. Don’t get me wrong, I have watched a few in my lifetime, but it’s not really my thing. The first time I watched one was in college, my freshman year. But as I watched, I remembered not thinking that much about it. The music was awful and there was no plot. I’m supposed to believe a cable guy just shows up and sexes up an unsuspecting housewife? Yeah, okay. I know it’s all fantasy, but gimme a break. My friends reminded me that porn was not a film that I normally viewed in one of my classes for critique and meaningful discussion, but was simply meant to get you off. I quickly dismissed porn as ridiculous and not for me.

 Until I saw another one…a GOOD one…years later…then I got it.

 Those people had skills. They could do tricks. I was intrigued by their prowess, and it let me know just how much I DIDN’T know when it came to sex. The sex I was having was boring by comparison, so like the good student that I am, I tried to learn something new. My boyfriend would be my unsuspecting guinea pig. I was gonna try something I’d seen in a flick and rock his world! “Regular sex” Brooke was gone.

 I attempted what I can only describe as a hybrid 69/reverse cowgirl combo….whatever that is. I think I was even going to come up with a name for it if I was good at it . It was going to be my signature move and he’d be addicted to me forever. Now keep in mind, I was in my 20’s when this was going down. I was in MUCH better shape, and even with a bum knee, I was very nimble. I’d never had a problem with flexibility, and my enthusiasm was that of a cheerleader. It was gonna be on and poppin’!

At first it was great, and he was thoroughly pleased that I took some initiative in the “puttin’ in on him” department. I’ve always been an active participant in my own sex life, so I was stepping up my game so to speak. I took pride in that actually. All was going well until we got a little too excited. I was buckin’ like a wild child in a sexy rodeo until….I fell off the bed.

Yes….I fell OFF the bed. He shot me right off.

Luckily, I didn’t fly into the wall or bust my head on my dresser….or get my head stuck in a headboard. I simply fell to the ground like a little kid flying off of a swing. I was okay physically, but my ego was bruised. I felt so silly until he jumped up like, “Baby, are you okay?” In that moment, I lifted myself up, looked him in the eye…and CRACKED UP! Tears streamed down my face as he studied me to make sure I was really okay before he joined in on my laughter. I always thought sex was supposed to be fun, but not hysterical!

Since then, I think I’ve come close to falling off the bed maybe 2 more times. I’ve become more aware of my surroundings in the heat of the moment. Thank goodness I’m not much of a drinker, because Lawd knows what bedroom mishaps I might have suffered if I’d actually been drunk. That might be too dangerous for me, I might put out an eye or something.

Most people forget that sex is exercise, so if you’re trying to have sex like a porn star, you might need to get in shape. I’ve pulled many a “sex muscle” trying to twist my body like a pretzel or get into some position I had no business attempting. Nothing dries you up more than a Charlie Horse…trust me.So…with that said, STRETCH before you try twisting someone’s back out. I’m a back breaker when I’m in shape, but otherwise, it’s best I don’t enter the Sex Olympics until I get my weight up. I will say that it feels good to be sore from sex the next day – that means you did something right.Now it’s your turn – tell us of any bedroom blunders or sexual mishaps you may have suffered as a result of trying to have sex like a porn star. Let’s hear it…sometimes love hurts!

 

Read 1477 times Last modified on Tuesday, 18 November 2014 20:47

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